Salt and Vinegar

Ever feel like you didn’t belong anywhere? Yeah, absolutely nowhere. Every circle of friends–should they really be called friends???–every social media site that you have devoted your very soul to, every relationship that you have made and established….it feels like you don’t fit in. What is worse with every passing year, every passing day, every passing second, you notice that it is not getting better. The range gets smaller. It feels more suffocating, like the cliff is about to collapse and you’re going to fall.

Don’t expect to post anything on social media of any kind and get a million likes and comments. Even with posting something radical as this. It’s not going to get noticed. Ever. Hey, how come when someone else posts this kind of stuff, they get all the encouraging comments, such as “You’re beautiful, don’t give up,” and “Hey, you are AWESOME! Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise” comfort platitudes? They must be made out of rock star material, yeah?? But when you post this kind of thought, not a sound, not even an echo comes through the wind. Complete silence. Wow. Apparently, so and so deserves to hear that kind of encouragement from a support system through the masses, but when it comes to you, you don’t deserve even a gentle, soothing whisper. You must be an alien from planet Mars, and you didn’t even realize it. Excuse me, let me go put my makeup on. My obviously weird green makeup and creepy yellow eyes are showing.

Ok, so then, with the words of “love yourself” and “don’t worry about what everyone else thinks, be you,” why doesn’t it sometimes seem to be enough? Especially, with nobody, and absolutely nobody, do you seem to fit in? It’s one thing to be introverted and have “no friends,” and then to be also socially awkward and have “no friends,” and then to just be everything socially deprived in the land of social mania and all that’s good there and have no friends. Absolutely no friends. Absolutely nothing. (Really love using absolutely, huh?)

Let that sink in. Grab a drink and sink into a comfy chair if you need to. You’ve just written this crazy rant and you feel so good about letting it all out. You’re not even concerned that you haven’t written a blog post in years because everything you type sounds wrong in your ears when you type something, due to the fact someone might think you are crazy or boring or disorganized in your thinking and think it not worthy to read. Ha, shoot it. It finally sounds just right. It is kind of disorganized, but who cares! Apply whatever horrendous experiences you’ve had with friendships, relationships, anything that deals with the horrible ways people sometimes makes you feel just because they think you aren’t good enough to chat or hang out with. Make it fit for your situation, because hey, I think the feelings are covered here.

Now, look in the mirror. You look beautiful. Handsome. Pretty awesome, actually. Pucker your lips. Flex your muscle. Smile even though you might carry some heavy ( you think fat) curves, bear a unique (you think rather ugly) mark on your body, or feel super disgusted with yourself.  Remind yourself of those feel-good platitudes that you degraded a moment before in your moment of bitterness, and embrace their wisdom. Hey, they’re still right, even though, doggone it, it’s hard to realize it when you’re sitting at home, staring at depressing chick-flicks with a gallon of chocolate ice cream and a family size bag of potato chips that you intend to eat all of, because no one wants to be in your company. You’ve just written the ugly thoughts (at least the surface; you’re not that brave yet, but you’ll get there) down with class, and if no one reads your rather satisfyingly, revolutionary (at least to you) words, who the heck cares. You feel so much better. Now, get back out there, and own it!

Even if no one ever notices. Besides, if things get tough again, you can just write another crazy rant with all the salt and vinegar you possess. At least for now, it works.

 

 

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Finding God’s Way

I can’t imagine how long it’s been since I wrote a blog post. I guess several months? Or in the time of eternity, an era and a half? Whichever way, it’s nice to be back. I look at myself, now a college junior, and I ask myself, “Am I fulfilling anything in this life? What is my purpose here?” As to date, I haven’t found it yet, besides knowing that I am a Christian, and that my purpose is here to serve God and do His will. But what else am I to become in this life?

It’s so easy to want to plan our lives. In younger years, I constantly plotted and devised how my life would go. I would go to college, be a teacher, doctor, dentist, journalist, etc…sorry, I couldn’t make up my mind!, marry, have kids, have a nice house, a nice car, etc. I couldn’t believe the possibilities opened to me. But I forgot to think about: hey, what did God think about this? Is this what He wants for me, my life? In my younger years ( and I’m still pretty young now!), I said I wanted God’s will for my life. But deep inside me, I was still planning for myself.

I just couldn’t see anything wrong with my plans, surely God wouldn’t mind. However, as I have quickly found, God had other plans for me. He quickly stopped that path I was going, much to my dismay, and led me to where He wanted me. And I only had to follow, if I wanted to obey Him, as I said I wanted to do. He turned my life in ways I never dreamed. Instead of being an artist, I am now studying education, and I am finding much more fulfillment in that. It is a little harder, since I did not heed him the first time. But God had to let me go through the fire first to see that. 

Finding God’s will for your life can be hard, especially if you have other ideas. But God’s plans are so much bigger than you can ever dream or hope for. As it says in Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” If we look to God, He may make us wait. He may leave us wishing we went our own way. And so many do, only to regret their decision in the long run. But if we trust in God, He will bring us through.

Living in a world that is going their own way, and doing their own thing, I sometimes wonder why I was put to be in this position. It seems that I suffer more than get blessed. But I realize Christ suffered for us more than we can imagine. It’s all a part of being different. The thought of spiritual riches and being at peace with God at times can seem like scanty rewards. But the peace is so better, the hope that we find in going God’s way is more motivating, the joy is so much more abundant!

I often think of my favorite verse of all time, and how well it relates to this: Isaiah 40:30-31 “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint.” If we wait upon the Lord, we shall receive the strength to run forever without growing tired! If we follow His way, we shall have life, and more abundantly! God’s plan is so much better for us! All we have to wait, and let the Lord lead us. He will see us through so that we may conquer mountains for His glory, that we may serve Him better than ever before! And that is the best fulfillment ever.

 

One Happy Future Elementary Schoolteacher

I am so happy right now, I can hardly stand it. “I’m gunna be a teacher!”  My very first career dream, and now it is starting to come true. I don’t even know why I decided to choose something else. Can you imagine all the fun I will have (even though there is a lot of work involved) teaching those kids? Hopefully, in August/September 2015, I will be able to start teaching officially. Oh my goodness. It is really too good to be true.  It is hard to believe that several years ago, I think in middle school, I first had the inspiration to teach. I read a story in literature about Marva Collins, a woman who turned her home into a school for underprivileged kids. She was able to help her students come up to where they needed to be, and beyond, and I was moved by that. In that moment, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I was not happy that I had to wait through high school and college to get there, but I wanted to do it anyhow. Then I changed my mind, and now I wish I hadn’t. But, at least this time, I know I have only two and a half years left. In the meantime,in my education classes, I will be spending a lot of time observing different schools and their methods, and that is going to be SO MUCH FUN!!!! EEEK! I know, I’m sorry. I am going to be squealing about this for a long time. But I am very glad that I have found my true calling, where I truly belong. Praise be to God for paving the way for me, I couldn’t have done it without Him. Well, on Wednesday it begins! I can’t wait! And this, folks, is the revelations of one happy future elementary schoolteacher. Until next time, readers, God bless you.

Perspective On Connecticut Tragedy

So, it’s the holiday season, and it’s time for cheer and laughter. Even those I realize it won’t be the happiest Christmas for some. In Connecticut, there are twenty sets of parents who won’t have their children with them this Christmas. Twenty children were most likely looking forward to Christmas, and now won’t ever get to see it. It’s heartbreaking to see it. We ask ourselves, “what kind of monster would do that to children?” Sadly enough, our question isn’t really answered, except that he was moved by the devil. And then there are all the questions and statements we long to say to the killer. I know I have a few of my own, and some of them are not pretty. Hehehe. But seriously, it is mind-boggling to see how our culture has gone down that low. Schools were supposed to be safe for children. Now, schools have to resemble a prison almost, for the safety of the children. In my opinion, I believe we should start teaching more of our children at home, where we know they will be safer. I know this isn’t ideal for everyone, but those who can should consider it. So I notice that people are asking for stronger gun laws. But, as I heard my pastor say in church this morning, gun laws aren’t going to keep somebody from getting a gun and shooting somebody down. Literally, guns would have to be banned forever for that to happen. And I don’t think that will ever happen. So, what can we do now? Pray. Our world is falling into a mass destruction. We are slowly destroying ourselves, bit by bit. And while they say the world is coming to an end this very month, and this is likely not true, we need to watch our steps. I don’t like dealing with news in general. It is too harsh and too much a reminder of the mess we live in every day. And there isn’t much we can change about it. But I probably should watch it more. It will prevent me from going into a fantasy world when all is generally well in my corner of the world. I digress. So I close with a prayer in my heart that the families of Connecticut be comforted in their time of sorrow, and not just Connecticut, the nation of America. May we come together and remember who we are, as a nation in the sight of God and the rest of the world, for our little fellow patriots lost to us so soon and so suddenly. May God bless America.

My First Day Of School: Sophomore Year

So I started school today as a college sophomore. What can I say? Well, I came in with high expectations and hopes….and new agendas. So I am working on making new friends this year….and getting to know old friends better. And working on my socialization skills. So far, it’s been pretty successful. I am still getting tongue-tied and taking too many words to say something that is pretty easy, but it’s getting better. And I made some new friends, so that was awesome! 😀 And I saw my dearest friends again!!! It was too wonderful to be true!!! 😀 😀 I have already enjoyed some wonderful moments with them. May the next year continue to be sweet! 😀 ♥ Now, I am taking a more serious, experienced approach to my work. At first, I was determined to be a rigorous scholar. But I fell back, knowing that I could…and get by. Sure, I made good grades, but I could have done better. So once I get my mind fully out of summer mode, I will get down to business. I shall definitely try to work more in my major, and really get into the artistic spirit. I got some interesting ideas, especially for Practicum, and I hope to make those ideas work well. Now, there is one hope above all that I anticipated, and let’s say it fell kinda short. I did get a glimpse of it, but after that, nothing. I don’t want this to go all of wack like last semester, me wondering what’s going on, and I know nothing, so I have a plan that will stop all this wondering and unknown business to a complete stop. Either things will go back to what it was, be different according to circumstances, or it’s OVER. I am not going to be miserable this semester. I am going to enjoy my time here, and not pine and hope over something that will not happen.  So as soon as possible, I will get to it. Now, I enjoyed my lunch very well….even cut back some on my portions, which was my goal.  So when I can, ( got to work my schedule out first) I will get myself to the gym, and eat healthier (even eat some salads, which I don’t like, but I will force it down anyway). Hopefully, I will be able to work out at the school gym a little bit tomorrow. So maybe I can get down to a good size by the end of the school year. And so, I finally got me a car!!! Very happy to go to and fro, even though I need to figure out my time so I can pace myself, but otherwise, things are going to be fine. It’s a good feeling. 🙂 Well, I must go. I need to get ready for tomorrow. At least, I got a good start on the little homework I have….and so things are rolling!!! So I bid everyone adieu, and to all college students out there, best wishes to a great school year. 🙂

Love Is Worth The Wait

You know, I have mentioned waiting for God’s best, such as in a husband. It is a wonderful thing, and to update as of now, I am still going strong. Sure, there are a few times I have lost patience and felt like I couldn’t bear it anymore, but God helped me through. However, it is interesting that while waiting for God’s best, you can have someone in mind. It makes things a bit complicated. What if this person doesn’t like me? If he does like me, are we right for each other? If we disagree on something, does that mean that we are not meant for each other?  I have reflected that almost a year ago, I had a crush on a very good friend of mine. He was the first guy friend I ever had, and at the time I met him, he was intriguing, but I wanted him as a friend, and friend only. Furthermore, I wasn’t interested because he looks nothing like the man I was looking for. I wanted that tall, light-skinned man with athletic build, dreamy eyes, and perfect personality. Of course, I have worked through a prejudice, that I am ashamed I had, of wanting a man of my own race. But now that was behind me, and I was ready to contemplate other options. However, I had another vision in mind: dark hair, blue eyes, athletic build, and perfect personality. You can see I, like a lot of girls, dreams of having the handsome hunk for a husband. But how many of us gets that dream vision of a husband, and if we do, without some kind of price? Coming back to the story, we became friends, and had a strong friendship. All the while, I imagined him as the friend at my wedding, as which I had another love interest at that time. But, that interest was NOT interested in me, so I left that dream alone. In the meantime of talking about my friend, my mom and sister suspected that I liked him. I denied it, of course. It was preposterous! How could I like a guy, who except maybe personality, had nothing that I desired? Seriously? Are you kidding me? However, in late September, I started to look at him in a different way. Indeed, he seemed like a wonderful choice for a husband. He was a Christian like I was, born into a Christian family, agreed with a lot of things like I did, and had a friendly, kind, warm personality. But I fought another demon here: he still did not look like the handsome hunk I had hoped for. So for a long time, and still sometimes I fight with it, but it is getting better, about choosing personality over appearance. After all, he doesn’t look bad. Blond hair, fairly tall, and he has somewhat of a hunky build…I should be satisfied with that. And he does have the dark blue eyes. I can live with that. I don’t need the other stuff, for after all, with time and age, all those things shall pass away. Things seemed to indeed go well, for I noticed that he seemed to notice me more and more. I was delighted. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me! After the pain of the first love, I felt that I had hope! During Christmas, I fell in love. I was giddy, skipped about, felt a feeling that I never felt before. I was so happy at day, but miserable at night, because we had went our separate ways, and I wouldn’t see him again for a while. I missed him greatly. But otherwise, I was on Cloud 9. Life just couldn’t get any better. And when we reunited in January, it was sweet. I was in pure heaven! Then in February or so, we had a major disagreement. Over politics. Yes, I have disagreed with most of my friends over this awful topic. But with him, it was a major blowout. We left with hard feelings, and I felt like I was dying inside. Over the rest of the spring, I saw him every once in a while, and he mostly avoided me. However, the last few times I saw him, he seemed mostly pleasant and agreeable. I haven’t seen him any this summer, but I have hopes in the fall that when I see him again we can patch things up. Now into my own private thoughts: I have asked God a long time ago, in that late September, whether he was the right one for me. Instantly I heard, Yes, he is the right one for you. I didn’t believe it. I felt like it was my mind talking. But ever since, I ask, Is he the right one for me? And the answer usually is, Yes. Sometimes, I hear no, and that confuses me to no end. But I have had heart-stopping revelations, and they say, he is the one. He will be your husband. And I can’t forget the vision I had( at least it felt like one) in a restaurant one time. I was letting my mind wander here and there, and suddenly I thought of him, and I let my thoughts go in that direction. While in thought, I looked in the mirror. Suddenly, I heard, “The future wife of Landry.” Suddenly, it seemed that a big stamp in red ink came and stamped Mrs. Landry on my chest. I could hear the click as it stamped the title on me. And then, the vision was gone. I, for a little while afterwards, tried to make sure that it wasn’t my imagination. I knew that it wasn’t, for that is not how I would imagine a thing like that. So, for a while, I have fought with whether I am hearing things right or not. As of now, it seems that the answer is, Yes, you will marry him, but just not right now. Someday. And that answer is logical and makes sense, but I can’t fully believe it. I’ve tried, but I guess I have fallen into the group of fearing to hope, knowing all too well the pain and grief of disappointment, and not wanting to hope with the worry of being hurt again. But I can say, except for my own reservations about the matter, I feel peaceful and feel like it fits me. That in some strange, mysterious way, it is right for me. Now all I have to do is patiently wait for it to happen. How about you? Do you feel like while in waiting, that there is somebody worth waiting for, but yet God does not seem to tell you yes or no? It is one thing to wait with no one on the horizon, but it is another thing to wait with somebody in mind. Is it wrong to wait for this person? Am I wasting my time? These are all questions to consider as you go before God in prayer. Trust Him. Wait upon Him. Listen to Him. Seek Him.  He will reveal His plan in due time. However, prepare yourself. If this person is the one, you want to be ready. If not, you want to ready for the person when he/she comes. Life is a hard journey, and this is just one of the sufferings we have to bear. But if we wait upon the Lord, He will give us strength to make it through. If we follow and delight in Him, He will give us the desire of our hearts. Just wait and be patient. I have to remember that as well as everyone else. I pray that I, we all, have the continual strength to wait upon Him. There is a hope we have inside of us that stays alive. We cannot let that hope die! We must hold on to that hope in lieu of disappointment. And that in time, when our wait is over, we will see that the person, and their love, was worth waiting for. God bless you. 🙂

Freedom: Our Priceless Gift

Today is Independence Day; a day to celebrate America’s freedom and honor our troops fighting for us now. But it also a day to celebrate Christ and the freedom He gave us…..a freedom from eternity in hell and a life forever in paradise. As it says in Galatians 5:1, “It is for freedom Christ has made us free.” I am so thankful that Christ has died and saved us from eternal misery! We don’t have to worry about the chains that constantly attack us, for in Christ’s name and with prayer and consistent faith, of those bonds we are made free. It reminds me of a song, “I Am Free.” It speaks for being no longer bounds and no chains holding us. For our soul is resting, and it is a blessing. Hallelujah, we are free! 😀 And of course, I am glad He led our country from the hands of the British, that we were able to establish ourselves in our own land, to be ruled under Him. Our country has strayed from that path since that time, and so much has befallen it. Different leaders, plans to govern, and amendments to our constitution have came along, trying to make our country better, which more as did not work, since these leaders were not using God as their guidance. But thankfully, there were a few who did, and helped make our country better. However,our land is broken now, and needs God back as the foundation, or it will be destroyed. I pray that God will come back as the stronghold. As is it said in II Chronicles 7:14, “If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” I only hope that something will be done, that the world will see what is happening, and turn back to God, before it is too late. But I am still proud to be an American, and I am proud to be a Christian, and I rejoice in the freedom that both has given me. I live in a beautiful land, and praise a wonderful God who created it. What could be better?  I also thank God for those troops who sacrifice their lives for us, that we may have this priceless gift of freedom. This debt can never be repaid, and I can never thank them enough. But I do so from the bottom of my heart, and if there are any troops/veterans reading this now, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!  🙂  May God give them the strength to keep on, and may their families be blessed. This is a wonderful day to celebrate freedom. May God bless America. Happy 4th of July everyone!!!! 😀